COMMON RESPONSES FROM PARENTS & CAREGIVERS
Finding out that your child has displayed concerning sexual behaviour can be a very difficult and upsetting experience. Its natural that you would seek to make sense of the problem - common responses might include:
“He / She didn’t do it”
Many parents react with shock and disbelief. It is often just too hard to consider that your own child could have done such a thing. At first you may think that there has been a mistake, or that someone is not telling the truth. Your child may deny having done anything wrong, because he / she feels ashamed, frightened or guilty. If your child denies behaviour, you may want to believe him / her, in spite of the evidence of others. Denial is an understandable reaction when something is hard to accept.
At SAFE a lot of emphasis is put on encouraging children to be honest with their parents and with others about what they have done.
This can be hard for both the child and their family, but it is an important step towards making changes. It is a bit like going to the doctor - unless we know fully what has happened, we won’t be able to help.
“It wasn’t his / her fault”
It’s a natural reaction for parents to want to care for their children and defend them from others. Even when you believe that your child has displayed concerning sexual behaviour it can still be hard to accept that it was their fault entirely. You may want to blame the victim, another adult, or even yourself for what has happened.
The child learning to take full responsibility for their behaviour is another important part of being in the SAFE treatment service. Concerning or problematic sexual behaviour involves taking an unfair advantage of another person. If your child is going to change their behaviour they need a clear message that their behaviour is unacceptable, that they cannot blame others, and that there are no excuses that make the behaviour OK.
“Where did I go wrong?”
Parents can easily lose confidence when their children do something wrong, and parents of children with concerning sexual behaviour are no exception. While no parent is perfect, blaming yourself will not help either you or your child. They need a clear message that they are responsible for their own behaviour, and you need to put your energy into the future, rather than worry about things in the past which cannot be changed. Your family therapist at SAFE is available to assist you to discuss your concerns, and will support you in planning the kind of parenting your child will need in future.
“I’ll kill him/her!”
Another common reaction from parents is anger. You may be feeling shocked and horrified that your child could have done such a thing especially if he / she have done it to a child in your family. Perhaps you feel that he / she has let you down, as well as harmed someone else. For a while it may be hard for you to be anywhere near him / her, let alone stay calm enough to have a reasonable conversation, and to support them.
Hopefully this is a stage that you can work your way through. It usually helps if you can separate your feelings about your child from your feelings about what he / she have done. It is OK to love your child at the same time as you hate some of his / her behaviours. It also helps to talk about your feelings with someone who you can trust to understand. This is a situation where a SAFE family therapist may be able to help.
“It’s best to deal with this ourselves”
It can be difficult to have to share information about your family and about what has happened with others. Apart from the shame and embarrassment associated with talking about any concerning sexual behaviour, you may be afraid of losing control of what happens next. You may not fully trust those you have to deal with to understand, to treat you with respect, or to make the best decisions for you and your child. You may be under pressure from other family members, from your church, or from other people you know to let them handle the situation in their own way.
Unfortunately, it is not this easy. For one thing, the fact that your child has displayed behaviour that is very concerning usually means that organisations like CYFS or even the Police are legally required to be involved, because the safety of others must be protected. Also, there is evidence that childrens concerning or problematic beahviour does not just "go away" by itself. Treatment by a service which specialises in this problem is essential to help your child to change their behaviour.
